Thursday, December 10, 2009

Not out of the Woods


Even though I can't bare to write another word about it [I'm lying], the women are steadily coming out of the woodwork claiming to have slept with Tiger Woods. Last time I checked the number was 13 and counting, including two porn stars. What I can't understand is why are all the side chicks telling on Tiger? What part of the game is that? And FYI: They say the reason Tiger hasn't been seen is because his wife broke his front tooth during the fight, and that ain't all.

Snitching friends tell Star Magazine that the Escadade windows aren't the only thing Tiger's wife Elin smashed with a golf club that night. They say she used the golf club inside the house smashing everything in sight, and then hurled a phone at Tiger catching him in the face breaking one his fangs.

 Anyway, here's some text messages Tiger sent one of his lovers :

Tiger: Hey Sexy I can't come out this week. Something came up family wise (July 20, 3:04 p.m.)

Jaimee: That's okay I hope everything is fine ... would have liked to see you
Tiger: We will make it happen
Jaimee: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a present for there birthday (July 26, 11: 22 p.m.)
Tiger: what kind of present your naked body
Jaimee: haha no a watch I slept alone
Tiger: alone with him that is
Jaimee: haha I wish
Jaimee: miss u (Sept. 27, 6:38 p.m.)
Tiger: now that's hot so who is your new boy toy
Jaimee: no new boy toy ... still running dry... been on 2 real dates in the pat 2 months :(
Tiger: I need you

Jaimee: then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u
Tiger: I will wear you out soon
Jaimee: how soon? I got a new piercing
Tiger: really. Where
Jaimee: I just sent u a pic of it ... is on my cheek below my eye ... implanted a little diamond
Tiger: send it again. I didn't pick up on that
Tiger: you just need some attention from me
Tiger: do you have a boy friend (8:45 p.m.)
Jaimee: I don't even have someone I am dating ... no ... u can be my boyfriend ;)
Tiger: then I am
Jaimee: I wish
Tiger: quiet and secretively we will always be together
Tiger: when was the last time you got laid
Jaimee: if we hang out on a Sundway we can watch desperate houswives again haha (Sept. 30, 3:38 p.m.)
Tiger: oh god
Jaimee: take a break from watching boring old golf
Jaimee: I mean the amazing sport of golf ;)
Jaimee: [more than an hour later] babe I was kidding
Tiger: I know sexy
Jaimee: is it orange county time yet? (Oct. 1, 6:06 p.m.)
Tiger: oh stop :)
Jaimee: hahaha I know ... but you canceled on me last time so the anticipation is killing me ... im finding my self watching sports center ... haha j/k it isn't that bad
Tiger: its never been that bad
Jaimee: very true ... I only watch football
Tiger: Figured you would say that. Big black guys.
Jaimee: u are my first, last and only black guy! U should feel special
Tiger: why do I not believe that?
Tiger: [later, in response to Jaimee's mention of a date who was "full of himself"] you kinda like that for some reason which is weird why you decided on me.
Tiger: having an asian mother and a military father you cannot and will not ever be full of yourself
Jaimee: I have fun with u, you always make me smile and I am not afraid to be myself or say anything to u ... the day I met u I thought u were going to kick me out a few times but for someone reason you didn't and u have told me numerous times I talk to much but slowly as I get to know u iI think your absolutely amazing
Tiger: you are wrong I'm bone thugs in harmon
Jaimee: Something wrong babe?I was excited to sepnd time with u this week (Oct. 15, 6:40 p.m.)
Tiger: I will you Sunda night. Its the only night in which I am totally free but I have to leave at 530 Monday morning to drive up to the valley for an outing for one of my sponsors. See you at 8 pm on Sunday in newport
Tiger: don't text me back till tomorrow morning. I have to many people around me right now
Tiger: send me something very naughty (Oct. 18, 3:40 p.m.)
Jaimee: some things are worth waiting for lol ... besides im at work
Tiger: go to the bathroom and take it
Jaimee: haha ur too much
Jaimee: are u leaving me cause your wife is still in newport :( I am lonely now ... i like falling asleep in your arms (Oct. 18, 11:38 p.m.)
Tiger: sorry baby I just can't sleep. Its just a problem I have.
Tiger: she is not here. They left this morning
Jaimee: well I appreciate you not wanting to wake me up but if y couldn't sleep I would have rather sat up and talked to u more ... find out why I keep falling more and more for u ;)
Tiger: Because I'm blasian :)
Tiger: I'm sorry babe. Im already home.
Jaimee: I'm putting my underwear back on ... thats a no no ... come take them off
Tiger: :) you are too funny
Tiger: happy thanksgiving to you (Nov. 26, 11:16 a.m.)
Jaimee: u too love